Election day live blog

A blow by blow as it happens account of my election night.

(Author's note: I was drunk when I wrote most of this so there's lot's of coarse language... so Mum, don't read it)

6.05 Watching the ABC! Kerry O'Brien is interviewing Julia Gillard who if Labor wins tonight will not only be the first female deputy prime minister but will be the female deputy prime minister who...


...looks like this but...


...talks like this. So if she wins it'll be a bit different, a bit special...

Everyone's cautious at this point but they expect to know something, anything at 6:30pm once some of the counts start coming in. Tony "Legend" Jones is interviewing some Labor hack. They all sound the same to me. Believe me, I'll be happy if Labor gets in not because its Labor but because its not John Howard and the Liberals. If there is a revolution tonight it will be a shift from the far right to the centre right but at least its a move to the left. My dream that everyone woke up this morning and decided to vote for the Greens seems slightly unrealistic.

6.22pm Labor are winning Eden Monaro!!! Well, after fifteen votes have been counted in some small town. Its a landslide!

6:39 Julia concedes that they lost the Greens preferences in Tasmania because of their support of the Gunns Pulp Mill. You fucked that up ya bastards. You'd be a shoe in if you'd opposed it!


6.49 Liberal member for Corangamite, Dracula! His opponent's last name is Cheeseman! First name Darren! Seriously!


7.10 Member for Cowper: Liberal Luke Hartsuyker (pronounced heart-sucker). Who knew the Liberals recruited their members from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

If John Howard wins, I'll be booking my flight out of the country for 10am tomorrow. Fact!

7:20pm They just showed a photo of Jackie Kelly where she looks kind of like she's posing for a mugshot of someone arrested for public drunkeness. Maybe it was taken around the time she said her racist leaflet campaign was a "Chaser-like" prank.

7:30pm At this point, it looks like Howard will lose his seat. Can we dare to dream?

7:41pm The Cheeseman beats Dracula to win Corangamite! Bennelong is sitting at a 6.6% swing against Howard. Kerry says this is an ALP gain. This news would be somewhere above spectacular and just below orgasmic!

7.57 They keep interviewing these fuckin' Liberal drones who are obviously going to lose. They keep saying "its not what I saw at the booths today, its not over yet..." WHEN! IT! IS! SO! OVER! Accept the reality you right wing automatons!

8:09 The liberals are blaming the Lyndsey leaflets for their crap showing in NSW. Yeah, it is that but also because we hate you! HATE YOU! And when I say we, I mean I, as in I hate you!

8:17 Kevin "People from Africa don't belong here" Andrews who if you didn't know is a racist prick retained his seat. BOO!!! Howard is making up ground. DOUBLE BOO!!! First glass of wine is being drunk...

8:32 Phone call comes through that Channel 9 have called it to Labor. Just turned it over and they have a banner that says Kevin Rudd Wins Election! Slightly presumptuous in that a) did Kevin Rudd or did Labor win Government and b) I trust the ABC who are being slightly more conservative and trustworthy than the swine at 9.

8:37 ABC calls Bennelong for McKew. I am officially ecstatic. Its gone past orgasmic and heading to the post-sex cigarette! Still reliant on postal votes though.

8.42 Kerry slips up when talking about Bennelong and says "with a swing to the ABC... I mean ALP." Bless!

8:48 What's with the photos of retiring mps? Trish Draper looks drunk too!

8:59


9:01 Channel 7 "It's a Ruddslide." Nice pun! Not really! I think "Howard's end" would have been better or "Death to the right wing oppressors!"

9:04 News.com.au says "LABOR WIN: The Labor Party has claimed victory in the federal election, with the race now becoming a matter of whether this will be a narrow win or a landslide triumph for Kevin Rudd and his team." Geez...

9:05 ABC says there is no doubt that the ALP are in Government! Fuck yeah!

9:08 Text messages are going crazy. Euphoria grabs the nation. Australia says John Howard! Fuck You! Its been a long campaign, about eleven years too long and I can finally sleep well at night. Now I just need to see Howard definitively lose and the Greens get some Senate seats and I'll be very happy.

9:13 The Official Election Night Winning Photo


9.19 Tony Jones "Amid all this cheering, we're going to talk to Fran Bailey"
Fran Bailey "They're cheering for me I think"
Tony Jones "They're not cheering for you."


Tony Jones = Legend!

9:23 Eden Monaro, the bell weather seat, goes to Labor...

9:24 Maxine McKew is in a media scrum. Winner! Can she make John Howard be the second sitting prime minister to lose his seat in history? Here's hoping! BTW Kerry loves Maxine...

9:27 My favourite named politician in Australia, Arch Bevis, retains his seat.

9:28 Maxine speaks! She's in shock! She hasn't claimed it though she seems kind of drunk and is saying all this hokey shit but bless her cotton socks. I mean really, no one expected her to do so well.

9:37 Malcolm Turnball and Bronwyn Bishop are back. The dead will rise apparently... Malcolm just said something about him and his Dad being in the showers down by the beach... er, I'm not sure that came out right.

9.43 Bob Brown is on.


I love Bobby. Yep, even though we haven't done that well we kicked righteous arse against you scumbag rightwing bastards! Quite rightly he points out that the ALP won on Green preferences! Go you little greenies! But as he says the senate result won't be know for a while...

9:55 Mal Brough says goodbye. Shouldn't go invading the Northern Territory is the lesson here I think. Just waiting for the concession speech. C'mon Johnny, you sniveling little bastard, concede defeat...

9:56 Peter Lyndsey, the arsehole Liberal from Townsville might lose to the guy who owns all the Townsville McDonalds. Burgers all round... Ahh good times...

10:00


10:09 Howard has called Rudd and conceded defeat. Champagne has arrived...


10:11 He's on his way to the Wentworth Hotel to make his speech... JOY!

10:18 ABC ticker thingy at the bottom says Maxine has beat Howard but nobody is going to make that call. Can't wait for the concession speech and see how much John Howard claims that the loss is not his fault. He's going to be bitter... Ding dong the witch is dead...

10:20 7.2% swing against Downer but not enough to get rid of him... bummer!

10:25 Peter Costello is crapping on. You lost it Petey, if only you'd had the balls to challenge Howard you might have had a sniff but I guess now you know you'll be the leader of the Liberal Party tomorrow. They'll keep you for a year and then dump you for Brendan Nelson... You read it here FIRST! Costello thanks the people who wasted their time working for him... fools!

10:27 he's got a shit eating grin even though they've lost. Finally, he will be leader... OF THE LOSING SIDE!!!

10:30 SMH Website says

Bwahahahahahahahahahahar!!!

10:32 News.com.au

I hate that pun...

10:33 Peter Costello says "blah de blah de blah." And is then cut off by Howard's arrival at Wentworth Hotel...

10:34 Here come the concession speech. I've waited eleven years for this. He looks visibly older tonight. Eat humble pie you bastard! He wishes Kevin well... nicely done because you fucked it mate. "Oh yeah, we bequeath Rudd a nation that is stronger and prouder and more prosperous..." and more racist and individualistic and hard than ever before. "Thanks to the Australian people..." I say no thanks for work choices, tampa, Iraq, the Northern territory, the destruction of higher education, the police state, this whole fucking mess... Whatever... bastards. The crowd yells "we love you John" but he's not feeling it... He grieves for his party and his favourite ministers including Mel Brough... Whatever. Johnny, its time to go. Pack ya bags...

10:41 The heckler is getting the better of him. God, he's losing on every front. OH HE ACCEPTS RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE LIBERAL DEFEAT! COLOUR ME SHOCKED. But he can't even say the words he wants Peter Costello to take over... HAHAHAHAHA! After all that united front stuff... Now he's banging on about how much he loves the Liberal party in a somewhat perverted manner. Scary!

10:45 He's starting to look relieved now that he's done it. I guess he'll join his local bowls club now and fade into obscurity. He now thanks Jeanette which is a fair call because he had to put up with this idiot for forever... Jeanette is straining to keep her smile... Its painful...

10:47 He thanks the people of Bennelong... who gave him the fuckin' boot... Yay!

10:48 Howard believes Australia's best years are ahead of him... well of course they are now that you're gone!

10:50 Bennelong has a 5.1 swing to Maxine. It'll come down to postal votes... Some Liberal guy is crapping on now... Oh its Nick Minchin... Whatever...

10:54 Minchin still banging on... Come on Kevin, make the speech, I got alcohol to drink...

11:00


11:03 Here comes Kevie to some funky music. He's so young and hip... he uses facebook!

11:06 Kevin bangs on about what a good job John Howard has he done... What is this shit? Have we been living in the same country? He's destroyed it! Ok that PC bullshit is over with and we're talking about the future... blah de blah... he's still better than Howard... He thanks everyone who voted labor which wasn't me, I always vote Green. I guess its only a matter of time before we start to dislike him but I can't imagine disliking him as much as I hate Howard - that's just a personal thing for me... "A Prime Minister for Indigenous Australians" Now THAT'S what I want to hear! Well alright!

11:10 Bloody hell, get on with it... its a ruddslide... bah what... I'm tired and drunked!

11:11 "Tomorrow the work begins..." but Kev, what about my impending hangover?

11:14 Still going... education, check... health, check... climate change... check...workplace reform, check... economy blah de blah!

11:16 He thanks Brisbane... has he been there? Geez...

11:19 Rudd thanks and pays tribute to Bernie Banton... fair call. Poor Bernie. James Hardie are bastards...

11:20 He thanks Julia and she laps it up...

11:21 Howard says:


11:22 Just thank your wife already so we can get on with partying...

11:23 Finally thanks his life partner and gets a hug. Its sweet and must mean the end soon... I'm happy and all but come on mate...

11:26000000 Still going...

11:27 Outta here. Ding dong the witch is dead, see Johnny, I won't miss you at all...

What a satisfying election that turned out to be. YAY!!! Howard is gone... its been a good day!