Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The real victims of the Sydney rental crisis

I suffer from a number of phobias such as heights, drowning, spiders etc but I feel only two of my many fears can genuinely be called legitimate:

Fear 1: Daryl Sommers’ singing
Fear 2: Zombie invasion

While fear 1 is something that is common amongst the majority of the Australian population, it can be managed by boycotting Channel 7 and never, ever watching celebrity dancing shows… ever. However, fear 2 is harder to predict. If you study popular culture, it appears that a zombie invasion is inevitable but certainly less manageable than Daryl Sommers. Zombies could attack at any moment where Daryl and his z-grade celebrities (who may or may not be zombies already) appear at the same time, same channel every week. Let us pray they never happen at the same time.

Am I prepared? Yes, I am. Whether they are the lurching Romero undead zombies of the 60s or the batshit crazy, virus infected sprinting zombies of 28 Days Later I have undertaken every precaution to be ready. I can run. I have supplies. I have an escape plan. And that plan includes a machete and a shotgun. However, if the army of the undead rises get the fuck outta my way because the plan doesn’t include you, just my survival and a trail of zombie corpses in my wake.

Ever since I saw that film, 28 Days Later, I have been obsessed about being ready for this inevitability. In fact, on the night of seeing that movie, I was lying in bed mentally running through a zombie OH&S assessment of my girlfriend’s house where I was staying. Big windows, multiple access points, few sharp objects that could be easily converted into weapons… it was clear she had to move. To be honest, every house I have lived in since seeing this film, I have undertaken a strict zombie infiltration assessment. You might think I’m joking but I’m really not. Some people look for storage space and wooden floors, I look for strategic escape routes from the undead.

This is what makes the current rental crisis in Sydney that much more critical as its hard enough to find accommodation full stop, let alone that with adequate enough security to withstand the first few weeks of a deadly monkey rage virus that makes its victims run like Ben Johnson and slobber like emos at a My Chemical Romance concert. Of course, no matter how many dashing young scientists or crazy old men warn politicians, they just won’t listen to reason. They won’t change building regulations to incorporate proper protection nor segregate the housing market into those who are prepared for this looming crisis and those who are not. And frankly, if you’re not prepared, you’re just another welcome obstacle between the attacking zombie hordes and me.

As such, I feel that it is people such as myself whom are suffering the most in this rental crisis. With some recognition of the looming zombie apocalypse, careful town planning and some pluck, we can change things so that so that the unprepared can be deservedly the first on the menu in the zombie attack while I can be given some hope of survival with adequate housing. Come on people, its not hard… it just takes some braaaaaaaaaaains!!!

Friday, October 05, 2007

Three things I know for sure...

Sorry I've been neglecting you, my dear blog, but I have been away researching the three following things:

1. Die Hard 4.0 is the greatest movie ever made. Bar none. Its fact, don't fight it. Now you may call me crazy and try to have me locked up in an insane asylum but Citizen Kane has finally been overtaken as the greatest cinematic achievement of all time. Watching this masterpiece, you start to see little flaws of logic as to how Bruce Willis could drive from New York to Washington to Baltimore then to West Virginia to some other place within the space of an hour but you soon forget such trivial issues when he jumps from his exploding truck onto the wing of a passing fighter jet. Every movie should have the line "You killed a helicopter with a car." Actually, scrub that, no more movies should ever be made because perfection has been reached.

2. Being an air stewardess or steward is a thankless job even though you get to go to cool places. So I have decided that no matter how many times I have seen the safety instructions, I will watch them intently. Why? Because no one else seems to and that's sad because its the stewardesses/stewards moment in the sun, their time to shine and I want them to know they have my full attention so they can enjoy that moment. Well, ok, I'll watch most of the time and pretend to pay attention all the other times like when people are talking to me about their problems. Promise. I'm joking, I never pay attention to people's problems...

3. See this grainy, camera phone photo which looks like it was suspiciously smuggled out of somewhere paparazzi style? Well, that's me in hospital with a kidney stone which for anyone who hasn't had one feels like a 6ft skinhead trying to kick his way out of your kidney. When the Doctor asked me to describe what was going on I said the following "Its something to do with my kidney, kidney pain, kidney infection, kidney death, kidney plague, I don't know what it is but I can assure you it hurts." This was while I was writhing around in agony waiting for the panadeine forte to kick in after three hours. By this time my 6ft skinhead had escalated into a full on football riot.

So kids: Dehydration + hot days = kidney stones. That's what I found out in the time I've been gone.