Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The real victims of the Sydney rental crisis

I suffer from a number of phobias such as heights, drowning, spiders etc but I feel only two of my many fears can genuinely be called legitimate:

Fear 1: Daryl Sommers’ singing
Fear 2: Zombie invasion

While fear 1 is something that is common amongst the majority of the Australian population, it can be managed by boycotting Channel 7 and never, ever watching celebrity dancing shows… ever. However, fear 2 is harder to predict. If you study popular culture, it appears that a zombie invasion is inevitable but certainly less manageable than Daryl Sommers. Zombies could attack at any moment where Daryl and his z-grade celebrities (who may or may not be zombies already) appear at the same time, same channel every week. Let us pray they never happen at the same time.

Am I prepared? Yes, I am. Whether they are the lurching Romero undead zombies of the 60s or the batshit crazy, virus infected sprinting zombies of 28 Days Later I have undertaken every precaution to be ready. I can run. I have supplies. I have an escape plan. And that plan includes a machete and a shotgun. However, if the army of the undead rises get the fuck outta my way because the plan doesn’t include you, just my survival and a trail of zombie corpses in my wake.

Ever since I saw that film, 28 Days Later, I have been obsessed about being ready for this inevitability. In fact, on the night of seeing that movie, I was lying in bed mentally running through a zombie OH&S assessment of my girlfriend’s house where I was staying. Big windows, multiple access points, few sharp objects that could be easily converted into weapons… it was clear she had to move. To be honest, every house I have lived in since seeing this film, I have undertaken a strict zombie infiltration assessment. You might think I’m joking but I’m really not. Some people look for storage space and wooden floors, I look for strategic escape routes from the undead.

This is what makes the current rental crisis in Sydney that much more critical as its hard enough to find accommodation full stop, let alone that with adequate enough security to withstand the first few weeks of a deadly monkey rage virus that makes its victims run like Ben Johnson and slobber like emos at a My Chemical Romance concert. Of course, no matter how many dashing young scientists or crazy old men warn politicians, they just won’t listen to reason. They won’t change building regulations to incorporate proper protection nor segregate the housing market into those who are prepared for this looming crisis and those who are not. And frankly, if you’re not prepared, you’re just another welcome obstacle between the attacking zombie hordes and me.

As such, I feel that it is people such as myself whom are suffering the most in this rental crisis. With some recognition of the looming zombie apocalypse, careful town planning and some pluck, we can change things so that so that the unprepared can be deservedly the first on the menu in the zombie attack while I can be given some hope of survival with adequate housing. Come on people, its not hard… it just takes some braaaaaaaaaaains!!!


sunny said...

The lasting lesson for me from 28 days later i sthat the real danger in cases of zombie invasion is not so much the zombies as hte psycho humans left behind. Stay the fuck away from the army (well, I do that anyway) and any surviving humans who are likely to crack and try and turn you into a baby breeding machine.
Tim and I have an ongoing debate about who we would like to have with us and what the game plan would be should armageddon strike. We have agreed batteries are key. And things for killing zombies, maybe a baseball bat and some long spike thing.

Jon said...

Oh yeah, you can only go with people you trust or totally solo which is how I like to operate. You can't depend on some random stranger in these circumstances who will sell you out for procreation or zombie lunch.

My plan has always been a shotgun to take out zombies from a distance and a machete for close range combat. When I run out of bullets and the machete is blunt, I will use the butt of the shotgun to bust skulls until it breaks. After that, I'm out of ideas but its surprising what general household objects lying around can be used in a zombie killing capacity.

As for essentials, I think I'll need something to power my ipod because I've already made a zombie apocalypse playlist I can listen to while defending myself against the zombie hordes. I don't want to run out of power and not be able to listen to Destiny's Child while I'm in battle.