Forbidden City 2: The Sequel

You may remember that last time I visited the Forbidden City, all I could see was this:

A city so forbidden you couldn't see it as it was being polished for the olympics. Well, when I went to see it again...


... some doofus got in the way of the photo.

Learning English is easy

Aww, that's kind of cute...


Aww, that's kind of obscure...


OK, violence rhymes...


What the fuck are they teaching these people???

Extremes

Welcome to Beijing: cold, overcast, rainy... urm industrial.


Did you ever watch that show in the eighties called The Tripods. If you look closely in the distance, I think they're building one right in the heart of Beijing...

Massive attack

Hong Kong is massive. Well, to be exact, it is like a massive shopping mall inhabited by about a billion people.


Walking around is like making your way through a slow moving mosh pit lit by neon. Everything here is oddly familiar...


..except for that thing. I don't know what the hell that thing is. It looks like a squid made of Fanta jelly.


Being in the heart of Asia, it seemed like the perfect time to have some Russian cuisine. You gotta love any country that garnishes the meal with sausages...


...and that comes with weird arse folk music.


As a general rule of thumb in Asia, if you're looking for a Lonely Planet endorsed tourist attraction and you can't see any white people, you're lost. In Hong Kong, if you can't see any people at all, you're beyond lost... shit...



Anyhow, well wondering around looking to buy some shoes I stumbled upon this Buddhist temple. There were a lot of animals like this bird...


...and this vacant eyed satan cat.


Being amongst all these millions of people can definitely underline your insignificance but at least this guy cares... (if you can't read, it says that I'm special).

Scary Face

Everyone seems to love Halloween here which isn't really that big in Australia. I've always been surprised by that because Australian natives love to get dressed up for parties.


Anyhow, I was wandering around and found this giant skull in the middle of the street...


You're supposed to go inside and have a photo of your most "Look! I'm really scared!" expression taken but sadly it was closed...


...so I took my own. Sadly, I didn't really get the hang of it and scariest thing in the photo is my double chin... YIKES!!! Oh well, it could win me a trip to Disneyland...

Punk's not dead...

Being a tourist is weird, you kind of want an, ahem, authentic experience but there is one small problem as to how define that, experience it and not sound like an patronising imperialist in the process which is virtually impossible (trust me, I know it). Anyhow, I had time to check out the old town of Shanghai which was authentically inauthentic. While the buildings were old and impressive...


...they housed traditional Chinese restaurants such as Håagen Dasz and...


...Starbucks (I didn't bother to photo the McDonald's, the joke was old by then). The problem with the old town was that they had tried to please the tourist trade and Shanghai's abusive relationship with capitalism (ie advertising and shops are everywhere).


I have no idea what these dinosaurs were doing there but they didn't really seem that out of place.


The highlight of the entire place was this old woman rockin' the mic old school. Even though it was screeching with feedback she kept yelling whatever it was she was yelling. It was kind of punk rock and probably the only 'authentic' (ie not controlled or staged) thing there.


I guess this is the modern dilemma for all nations. How does one cultivate and include the past in a modern capitalist society...


...because if you take one step back, capital is encroaching from all sides.


But then again, in five hundred years time, our descendants might look at our mighty glass towers the way I look at Buddhist temples now...



...that is, unless this stock market crash really takes hold and we end up living like Mad Max in ten years. We'll be too busy trying to eat each other to care about such whiney navel gazing.



Whatever happens, this is a job I do not want.

When I get married....

...I want to get married on Gwyneth Paltrow's head.

Keeping the beer advertisement tradition alive

When I've had a hard day working for da man, I drink Tsingtao. At 4 yuan a pop, that's a long neck for less than a buck. China is awesome...

Things I've learnt in Shanghai

1. Gwyneth Paltrow digs me. This was the view from my hotel room yesterday, look at the bottom right hand corner...


...this is the view today. She is totally checking me out.


2. The centre piece of Shanghai is this death ray tower thing which was constructed by Dr Evil last time he was here.


3. Mao preempted blue steel by three decades.


4. The official 2010 Expo mascot is a blue cough drop on amphetamines.



5. A suit made from salmon is suitable for all occasions.


6. ZZ Top tours were an inspiration for early Chinese masks.


7. In the 9th Century, China was invaded by gnomes on camels.


8. Jeff Kennett is a creature of the undead who has lived since the 7th Century as he is immortalised in this sculpture.


9. Seriously, dude looks totally like Jeff Kennett.


10. Coke is life.

Return of old school Metallica...

That new Metallica album is awesome and keeps great time too...

Movie Reviews with Jon - Iron Man

I tend to believe that any movie can instantly be made better if it has either a) a car chase or b) battling robots. Think how great Citizen Kane could have been if it had robots fighting it in it. It’s the only thing that really that undermines the brilliance of that film. So I was really looking forward to finally watching Iron Man because not only does it feature Robert Downey Junior (a great actor) but battling robots which means this film is going to R.O.C.K.

So the story is that Downey Junior is a genius weapons manufacturer who only does good work because his products of death are only used to protect Americans. He has an epiphany when he is kidnapped by a terrorist group and discovers that his weapons are being used by the militants he’s supposed to be keeping us (as in U.S.) safe from. I think he says something like “ohmigod, you guys, I cannot believe you are, like totally, misusing my high grade killing weapons and using them to kill honest Americans...” I thought they said he was a genius.

Anyhow, by this point, I could barely keep my groans in as said weapons genius turns himself into a weapon, a one man fighting machine (Iron Man!) and goes into Afghanistan to sort out the terrorist scum harassing goat herders. Yeah, take that towel head! Forget the Geneva convention or the UN, let’s become the cowboys of the world and kick some ass.

And that is my review:

Iron Man = George W. Bush and no amount of battling robots could save this apologist piece of shit from being the reactionary, right wing propaganda it is.